BE PATIENT. It never fails.

Every now and then, I try to see myself: my behavior, my manners, my values, my logic. I scrutinize the every teensy detail of myself whether I am being a pressure to my people or not.

Am I mean and wicked?
Am I too strict and stiff?

And so at the end of this every self-evaluation, I became much of a sissy- just as not to hurt or offend anybody else anymore.

But most often than not, when I try to change myself to be pretty good as an angel does – evil auras keep playing around, pulling me to be the way they are. Those people who godddam care not for the people around them, or even for the filthy words they said and the ill-mannered they’ve become. If the resistance is weak, I might as well end up being bad and mean and rude again just like as some of the people around me are.

Thank God. He listens to my prayers.
I always want to be good. Just the right creation worthy to receive the many blessings He bestows onto me and my family.
I just hope the resistance within me strengthens more and more.

And I just hope, those people realize the many happy-seconds of their lives wasted whenever they resort into minutes of anger and hatred.

Prayers work.

REFLECTION:
Sometimes a LOUD-MOUTHED, INCOMPETENT person seems to be getting the best in you. You need to be nothing but PATIENT and wait for them to self-destruct.

It never fails.
God knows everything.

BE PATIENT. It never fails.
EST: October 27, 2009

Never have to see the dawn..

“We can easily detach ourselves from all the material things around us; in just a snap everything would all be gone.”

It was one Saturday that I got to appreciate how lucky my life had been for the past 19 years. I feel so ashamed that it had to have a stormy-Ondoy day to make me realized the teensy of blessings that I have.

That Ondoy almost killed me. Yes. Maybe a little far-fetched from physical but nearly to emotional and psychological. I learned how scared I am to die. And the mere thought that I am gonna die a worthless person without anything offered in this lifetime gives me that pain to face death.

Unexplainable fear – fear that I may never wake tomorrow and live my life the way it was. Fear that I may never have to see the dawn.

But we made it through the storm. I know I’m fortunate that I survived. We survived. And I think it’s a reason for me to become more than just thankful.

Indeed, I see just how ironic this world seemed to be. We keep on struggling for certainty yet we live in this big world of uncertain. Maybe somehow God wanted to let us know that today is always a great opportunity to seize life. And that no more than any material things can save us from the pain of death for we can easily detach ourselves from all the material things around us; in just a snap everything would all be gone.

REALIZATION/

Four years ago, I was struggling over my pants to enroll in at least a 4-yr degree course. Uncertain, I got myself into Accountancy – a five year degree program in our University. Everything was all good until I top notched the whole department landing a GWA of 1.18. My parents were happy and proud. My friends were all cheering me with smiles. My old school is taking its hat off just to express how proud I’ve made them.

They were all happy.
But I’m NOT.

I knew ranking No. 1 on the dean’s list of Accountancy, a thing I never really planned to do, would really cause me so much in the future.

EXPECTATIONS.
HIGHEST OF STANDARDS.
SCRUTINY EVERY NOW AND THEN.

Things I ought not to get from the course I never ever dreamed to be in. It was all unpremeditated. Being into something I never really like was being dressed perfectly good but I aint that comfortable to be on it for people to see.

So I decided to shift my course into something I would want myself to be 5 years from the day I took courage to say no from all the fame I had.

Today, I am happy, struggling and contented. I am a level 3 Civil Engineering student. My standards lowered. From the grudge and disappointment I shed 3 years ago for receiving a 1.75 in typing (a 5-unit subject in accountancy) and 1.5 in accounting, I now humble myself to be perfectly thankful for getting the least passing an honor student can have.

Today, September 18, Finals is nearing. First Sem is dawning. The real challenge takes on. I’m already facing a threat; it’s best to increase the awareness. I used to say, I want the best in life. I wanted to live and seize everything.

My old self (quote from the captain of Wall-E): “I dunwanna survive. I WANNA LIVE.”

Now, I know God has humbled me to be here…to be this way. The memory of that 1.18 is now just the proudest part of my yesterday. Something I would still wanna brag for my old self but I rather be the proudest of what I am achieving today. Before I used to get everything the easiest effort I could exert. These days, I am all drained down from sweat to tears to blood. Yeah, that is partly an exaggeration. But I’d like to think it that way that God is teaching me how to fish. Work hard for everything I wanted.

I dont wanna survive. I wanna live. But yeah, today, surviving is the least I can do. GET the BAREST OF NECESSITIES.

From this day on, I SHALL SURVIVE!

REALIZATION/
EST: September 18, 2009

What’s not to love about me?

The heart only forgets when a better memory has taken its part.   YOUVE TAKEN HIS PART, NOW I SHALL NEVER FORGET YOU/

 Three years ago, I used to find myself fussing and crying for the old memory that I knew I shall never forget. Until you came and taken his place.

Everything has been a replay. LOVE has taken its toll on me again.

Short-lived romance.

Opening my heart is a bet I shall never do but I did. Time flies so quickly when we talked, I knew I was falling in love with this stranger. It was never easy to entrust my heart again to somebody but you made everything so genuine. If you goddam care much, you should’ve known how vulnerable I am to fall. But I shall never regret this. It’s my choice.

*Words are just words.  You can do nothing with them*

Now I shall see myself fussing and crying for a new memory again. It was never meant. But I’d like to believe God gave me that chance to be happy. He gave me the chance to bleed and learn.

Love is a seed that I shall have planted and let grow. But as young and helpless as it was, it died too early too soon. I know something went wrong along the way. Or maybe EVERYTHING was wrong since the start. And I was blind to merely overlooked everything. Maybe, I have spoiled the blossom through so much fertilizer. Have I forgotten something? Or have I given so much of everything?

*You don’t deserve me. You deserve someone else.*

I’ve been lame. And it’s pretty cool I’ve been that dork again. It’s nice to fall in love. And being in love is always a privilege to share myself to somebody/

The only sad part is I have to grow apart from the world I have known to live all the while. I have to say goodbye. Now literally, emotionally I AM APART FROM YOUR WORLD. And I shall endure everything that comes with it.

I shall be happy I met you. You gave me brand new memory to smile for. I’d like to see things this way

*The heart only forgets when a better memory has taken its part.   YOUVE TAKEN HIS PART, NOW I SHALL NEVER FORGET YOU*

Just one thing bugs me. Am I doomed to become a third party forever? Or I’m just too sissy to fight for everything? Cloddish. It’s confusing. I’m caught with the rationale of making a risky decision. I guess I’M STILL AN ANGEL.

*What’s not to love about me?*

NOTE: The day after I posted this blog entry, my man returned to me.
So I guess I just wasted my effort ranting for this-blogging for a goodbye post. LMAO. Life is funny. Yeah, Ive expected he’d come back. ahahah

What’s not to love about me?
EST: September 1, 2009

Not again/

As i look myself in the mirror, I no longer see the old naive girl who used to wrap around her shell whenever something or SOMEONE would try to come in.

That old lil girl…she’s tired. Who would have thought that I am that rather confiding sweet lil girl 3years ago. Well, I used to be. I was.

Everything has changed. There’s this one man who made me this way. The way that I am complicated today is partly because of him. And I decided to be this way. It’s kinda doltish but yeah, it affected me so much. My logic. My perception. My credence and confidence with the things around me has been tarnished. And I know, that lil trusting girl’s all gone.

It sad to believe that I made myself into the kind of person I am right now. My mind is clouded with apprehension. I know I was never this, but I am now. It’s a lot despairing to know that half the world all through this has made the littlest of effort to  negate the way I breathe life.  It’s cloddish that the more I am spoiled with this lame detraction the more that people around prove that what I do is right.

*TRUST*

Just give me a teensy of reason to believe you. He knows how much I try to believe everything. I am crazy trying to open my heart again. It feels sick whenever I believe your words then just a glimpse of something my mind cant comprehend, I end up doubting you. The Lord knows how much I am willing to give you a chance.  I am dumping everything for the huge chance of letting you in. How can I do it if you’re not helping yourself get over with things? It’s a worse feeling that you’re actions are making me brood over the crazy past I have resolved to forget. I am clueless of everything. HELP YOURSELF. HELP ME.

Not again/

EST: August 26, 2009

INSPIRATION/

*How it feels to be a duck

FW:
m just like a duck in a pond..
calm and carefree…
but little did any people see are my struggling and restless feet underwater…what you see isn’t always what it seems…

I SAY:
if you happen to cross path with me one fine sunny day, with me, wearing my most indespensable sweetest smile, m just trying to hide in something…

look far beyond and you will know how dreadful, my heart is bleeding because of the longing that’s killing me inside:(

without you life is plain, benumbed and insensible…this doom of solitude is giving me aches and pangs…*tears*

**MY FEELINGS

FW:
I dont mind not having what i want. For i know deeply within myself that i deserve someone much better, precisely i dont even need whom wasnt really for me even i need him desperately, ’cause maybe someone deserve him much better than me, and i should be happy.. i really should, just to cover up with what my feelings might be..

***CHANGE

people change for two reasons:

either they learn enough that they want to..
or they’ve been hurt enough that they have to:(

****CRUSH

FW:

that’s whay they call them crushes…

if they were easy, they would be called something else…”,

I SAY:

That’s why they call them crush/

They’re meant to crush you.

Break you.  And pound you into small fragments.

Until you say, “I’m crushed. Literally.”

INSPIRATION/

EST: March 05, 2008

From the bottom of my heart & my hypothalamus, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

To the near 50% of the university population who supported me last council election, thank you very much.

I may not get back to each @ everyone of you personally, (coz youre a lot yah know,lol) but through this, i hope ill be able to extend my warmest and sincerest gratitude.
Your votes made me feel so much trusted.

LOVE YOU GUYS!
THANK YOU FOR THE LANDSLIDE? VICTORY YOU GAVE ME!
ya, i know it’s kinda soo much to say that. But remembering the digits & the precinct polls, like it gave me the lame-license to brag; man those were just too much for me i guess. It almost made me suspend my biases to the ground. gee, really, THANK YOU!

To the people, who played detraction, Thank you for making me understand that it’s not always my game I play.

To the people who said, it’s just because of the ‘pretty face’, jeez I gotta say I’m flattered though. But winning two sets in a row, isnt it much for a lady with just a face? Well, thinkin I got critics like you guys always makes me smile and say ‘I got my fans impersonating to be critics. Is that how much you love me guys? Deymn too sweet criticism. LOL!’ SILLY EH?

Yea, seriously, it’s more than winning your votes but your TRUSTs/

I LOVE YOU GUYS!
I LOVE MYSELF, TOO/ OOPSY, yea, I love myself quite a bit

From the bottom of my heart & my hypothalamus, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

EST: August 08, 2009

Bye bye mails.

Ive deleted my inbox. 600+ baloneys that made me laugh, geez, and 3 particular emails that almost made me cry. Damn tearjerker. ugh,

My first mail
- Dated October 2006, silly it said “put ur own picture,hehe.” A special friend from the nearby town. Weeh, my first love.

*blush*
That was way back 3 years ago. Stop it, don’t tease me. Leave me alone. I can get nice gu, too. Just not now.LOL

Then I had these sooo many emails, all crap from my old bum classmate in Engineering. (wohoho, peace) He did nothing great but sent me good-for-nothing PMs of all sort. From the nastiest to the nastiest. LMAO (Hope he wont be reading this. haha He’s out here anyway. Goodluck dude! Do good.)

But 3 particular emails really made me sooo sad. I miss miss miss you. Im still the old Mariz you used to know.

Sigh.
I wanna meet someone whos been to the same shits that Ive been. wooaah. REGRESSION!

just feel like blogging today:)

Bye bye mails.

EST: June 08, 2009

My right kind of Wrong.

The kind I’d love to meet.

Im cool with anybody. whoever you are, chill.

well as for my man, im hard to handle. im crazy you know. im kinda superficial but gets soo mushy about guys sometimes.

-loves chinito guys cute;) well who’s to know who this damn heart’s gonna beat for,yayyy

speaking of the ‘who’s to know’, yea contrast of the chinito thingy,
Im caught by the guts
and
physique of one great illusionist CA, of a sweet blonde singer AC and of a nice-eyed puerto rican BENICIO.

(ya, they dont seemed chinito to me but gentlemen, well i guess.*wink*) How do I know? lol

Anyway, aint looking.
None of my priorities today (EST May15, 2009)

But if there’s a harmless &
gentle guy these days:

-who’s MAN ENOUGH to WAIT by my side. NO PRESSURES, NO SILLY GAMES, NO CHEAP THRILLS, etc
-RESPECT me as a WOMAN
-take HOLY of my individuality as a CREATION of our FATHER
-BELIEVES in the SANCTITY of MARRIAGE,

WELL WHY NOT? YOU ARE VERY WELCOME!
just make a resume, present it sweet damn likeable, and at the end of the day, maybe 3 years from now we’ll see. LOL babe im crazy serious.

ADD MY TWITTER.
FOLLOW ME!
Check out my updates
and baloneys at
www.twitter.com/ERIJZmightLIKE

http://plurk.com/MARIZmightLIKE

My right kind of Wrong.

The kind I’d love to meet.

EST: June 04, 2009

LEARN TO CONDEMN THE SIN, FORGIVE THE SINNER.

Yes.

“Why do people get damn suppressed by the sex scandal rather than any socio-political issues?”

Watta dumb question it was!
So numb dude whoever you were in the same marvelous dumb mouth asking that.

In my own mind, it suggests that the answer is plain simple as this: It’s because we are all in this issue. Whether we knew it or not.
We are the herd that comprised this society – that for two weeks now has been sensationalizing the sex scandal thing. As I take Mr. Boy Abunda’s word, “We are part of this equation.”

Indeed.

The coming of these videos in the open is so foul. Shitty foul.

Okay. Given. To each his own. But that doesnt give any person a pass to lambast and abuse somebody. That wouldn’t be an excuse to violate the human rights perse.

Alright, the videos, according to the prime accused surgeon were part of his PERSONAL LIBRARY
* (PERSONAL, therefore he should be responsible for the secrecy or safe-keeping of the videos, am I expressing myself right?)

/Hey doesnt he know the meaning of personal? How bout intimate?/

To this point where the truth ceases to prevail, we are nowhere near to conclude the verdict of the case.

*If to a certain point, itll be proven that the accused surgeon has nothing to do with the circulation of the videos, then whoever that person is, he or she should be held responsible for all the trouble he/she had caused and therefore should bear the consequences of his/her inconsiderate action – that has degraded the women and humiliated the man.

Im kinda bit opinionated tonight so I say, putting a watch cam or taking a hidden video (heeding that it regards intimacy) should be done under the agreement of both parties. Persons involved should have the knowledge that they are actually under a hidden cam. Anyway, if it were known to both the individuals then it should never be called ‘hidden’ in the first place, right?

In this case, where personal interest overpowered the fair mind, lives ruined. Reputations tarnished in an instant. Professions placed in jeopardy. Accusations threw. Damaging words uttered. Trust destroyed.

Sometimes, reality sucks. Yes, I, most of the times, hate it. This kind of scandal is no longer new to our country. Like the usual, it takes a known personality to be a victim for it be popularized and be given superfluous attention. It necessitates SOMEBODY for people, personalities and politicians to do something eager about it. But it’s good knowing that the law is getting serious about it.

Im nt trying to play holy here. Think twice, comprehend every action before we do something. Plan things out and be ready whatever the outcome. Stand firm for our every decisions. In the end, no one will suffer but us – the people around us. OUR FAMILY.

THE HAYDEN CAM SCANDAL has been an eye-opener. It offers number of lessons as it touches a lot of today’s issues: pre-marital sex, drugs, peer pressure, infidelity, corruption of women, abuse of technology, piracy. (Is there anything I happened to forget?) Let this be the module to teach us the basic lessons of life. I do not encourage people to watch the video. Instead, I appeal to everybody that we all pray for the proper settlement of this case in accordance to God’s will. May the law punish those people accountable for this mess in an upright and humane manner.

Let us all remember, sinners or victims people may have been, everybody deserves a NEW CHANCE.

Let us pray that the sinners may repent for the sin.

One line tagged my mind, “I HOPE SOMEDAY, PEOPLE WILL LEARN TO CONDEMN THE SIN AND NOT THE SINNER” (words of Dr. Kho, jr.)

- the initial reaction i tweet was this “CONDEMN THE SIN AND NOT THE SINNER? DUH! WHO COMMITED THE SIN IN THE FIRST PLACE HUH?”

I was too judgemental.
I confessed.

But now I realized, sorry or not Hayden maybe, that thing I didnt know. The only thing Im sure is that we do not have even the teensy of right to condemn the sinner.

Everybody is a victim here:

- The women by the foolish love they thought was real.
- The man by the lust and the circumstances he had been.
- The people around them simply because they are family.
- The voyeurs, who are victim of the sin and the false things they believe in life.
- And the society for growing in this world of impurities.

WE ARE ALL VICTIMS YET WE ARE STILL THE SINNERS OF THE SINS THAT CONTINUE TO VICTIMIZE US. Whatever the degree, LITTLE OR BIG, we still are sinners. The same in blood and existence.

This is just a trial.
A lesson that we should all learn from. Maybe, when sins were rightfully paid and time has taken its part for each one’s repentance, then i guess it is then the nation’s turn to do its part.

OUR PART: FORGIVE JUST THE SAME AS HOW OUR LORD LOVES US.

MAY THE LORD GUIDE US THROUGH.

LEARN TO CONDEMN THE SIN, FORGIVE THE SINNER.

EST: May 30, 2009